The Lgend of Zelduhhh: Unhappily Ever After
by Cherry-sama
Summary: Third and final of the "Lgend of Zelduhhh" series. Ludia is a young Goron girl who works with the newly founded Hyrule Postal Services. Her luck is about to change when she delivers to a paranoid boy and his fairy who recently fled from home.
1. The Tasty Rock

**The Lgend of Zelduhhh: Unhappily Ever After**

A/N: I know! I can't seem to let this fanfic die, can I? Okay, that's a lie. Ever since the previous Lgend of Zelduhhh, I've been planning on making this one. The original purpose of this one is supposed to be what you can do right with a LoZ fanfic, but it kind of turned into a mix of good and bad, since I still had some Mary-Sue clichés to address. But without further ado, I hope you enjoy the Lgend of Zelduhhh: Unhappily Ever After!

* * *

><p>A door swung open to a darkened room. One of the castle guards poked his head in.<p>

"Up and at 'em, boys!" the guard called. "Got a big day ahead of us!"

The guard uttered a quick spell under his breath, and all the candles in the room burst into flame. The room immediately lit up, and all but a few dark corners could be seen. In the room were several bunk beds, all of which had a man lying in them. Many of the men moaned and groaned in complaint as the guard walked further into the room.

"Chop, chop!" the guard clapped. "That mail ain't gonna deliver itself, you know."

Some of the men crawled out from under their covers, as others clambered down the crudely-built ladders. Those who were already on their feet stumbled their way over to coat hooks, and began putting on their red and white uniforms.

The guard took no note of these men, however, and marched over to a sleeping Goron in the corner. He leaned over, and inhaled loudly.

"Wakey, wakey!" the guard yelled. "This means you too!"

The Goron's curled body jolted. A pair of arms came out from under its body, and the Goron lifted its head up.

"Er, r-right, sir!" the Goron saluted.

"Lazy as ever, are we, Ludia?" the guard asked.

The Goron rose to its feet. It wore a dirty, white tank top and shorts. It kept its hair in two scraggly, asymmetrical ponytails.

"S-sorry, sir," the Goron gulped. "I promise to t-try and hear you when you wake us up in future mornings."

"I advise you do so, Ms. Ludia," the guard huffed. "You may be the only Goron on the force—a female one at that—but that does not mean that I'll go easy on you."

"I…I understand, sir," Ludia's lip trembled as she nodded.

"At ease," the guard shrugged. "All I ask is that you get the job done."

A smile spread across Ludia's face. "T-Thank you, sir. I-I've a-always dreamed of having a j-j-job like th-this one. Y-you ha-have no idea how much this m-means to me."

"Now, if you'll get into something more…_decent,_" the guard said, "then you can get off to work."

"R-Right, sir," Ludia nodded.

The guard turned around, and headed back to the open door. Ludia waddled over to the coat hook with her name printed over top of it. She grabbed a large, red vest from off of the hook, and a large white bag.

As she buttoned up her vest, she reached for a rock on the floor, which she had brought in the previous day. She licked her lips and gazed at it hungrily.

"Tch, look at the way that Goron gal stares at food," a man nearby whispered to another.

"If you can even call rocks 'food'," the second man whispered. "Honestly, how much porkier could ya get?"

"It's only 'cause the boss feels sorry for her that she got let on the team," the first man chuckled. "Otherwise he'd never let a gal who rolls around in her own fat join the force."

The second man tried to suppress his laugh as the two men began to walk toward the open door.

Ludia stared at the big, delicious, juicy rock in her palm. Then she looked down. From her protruding stomach, she could see the tips of her toes. She wiggled them experimentally.

Ludia stared at her stomach and glanced again at the rock. She put it back down where she put it the night before. It's for the best, she thought. She'd eat it tomorrow.

She nodded to herself and strapped the white bag around her stomach, pouch facing in to avoid the letters from getting damaged. Ludia then curled up on the floor again, and began rolling forward through the open door.

* * *

><p>After a good introductory scene that had a lot of thought put into the developing the characters, the authoress switched to Link and Navi's perspective. The fanfic still could improve in that it still had a slight problem with an Intrusive Narrator. And even though this is a tutorial fanfic, a true pro would be able to teach the audience how properly to write fanfiction, without having an Intrusive Narrator or breaking the Fourth Wall. Which she just did. Whoops.<p>

Link and Navi wandered aimlessly through Hyrule Castle Town. Link had a bag slung over his shoulder, filled with some of his personal belongings. Navi flew ahead of him, and looked around.

"Are you sure this was a good idea?" Link asked. "Moving to Castle Town and all?"

"Look, whenever we've come across one of those extremely perfect girls," Navi sighed, "we've always been in Kokiri Village. They'll never find us here."

"Yeah, I guess," Link shuddered. "Man, I don't know what it is about those girls, but I always dread meeting them."

"That's because they put everyone in a trance as soon as they lay eyes upon them," Navi said. "I don't know how those girls do it, but everyone always showers them with unnecessary praise and does them favours."

"Except you, Navi," Link pointed out. "For some reason, you are portrayed as completely normal whenever those girls are around."

"Maybe it's because they're too focused on ensnaring you to put me under too," Navi shrugged. "Either way, each and every one of those girls was annoying as heck."

"Yeah… Say, Navi," Link paused.

"Yes?"

"Remember that one girl with the name?" Link asked.

"Link, they all had names," Navi said.

"No, I mean _the_ name," Link added.

"Ah! You mean _her!_ Oh, man, do I ever!" Navi shuddered.

* * *

><p>Not too long ago, in Kokiri Village, Link was minding his own business when suddenly a beautiful young girl crossed his path.<p>

"Hello there, miss! My name's Link!" Link exclaimed.

"Hi, my name is Antoinette Chastity Moonlight Autumn Amphibian Dew Sparkle Diamond Lollipop Cotton Candy Kawaii Sakura Ravenclaw Snape Heartthrob Rainbow Ginger HarryGinny4evah Morgan Le Fay Bonzai Orchid Black Beauty—"

"Whoa!" Link gasped. "That's a long name!"

"But I haven't gotten to the last name yet," Antoonie protested.

"Oh," Link blushed. "Sorry, Annitine."

"Now where was I?" Anonotineet asked. "Oh, yes. Ahem. Black Beauty Apple Jack Cottontail Tilly L Near Spoon Butterfly Cherry Pie Soap Dish-Rack Hobo Edgeworth von Karma Dilly Dally Shilly Shally Moe Bob Frank Jim Du Ikana. The Du Ikana means that I am a member of Ikana's royal family, and therefore, the sole survivor from that civilization."

"And my name is Navi, as in 'Navigate', but you don't hear me bragging about it," Navi said.

* * *

><p>"Man, it took us <em>forever<em> to get her off our tails!" Link quivered. "Even now, I can still her name, echoing in my head, over and over… _Aontenet_, it's saying… _Anotobelle_… _Anemone_…"

Link shuddered to himself.

"Well, I'm glad that she was 'noble' enough to sacrifice herself, and jump off that cliff by Gerudo Valley," Navi said. "Otherwise, we would never be rid of her!"

"I thought you pushed her at the one moment she dropped her guard," Link paused.

"Same thing," Navi huffed.

"Didn't another one come along not too long after that?" Link asked.

"I don't remember," Navi said. "What was she like?"

"It wasn't a she, it was a he," Link pointed out.

"Oh, right!" Navi exclaimed. "That guy! The guy who was inexplicably a ladies' man!"

"He reminded me a lot of that other girl," Link added. "Only he tried to make out with Zelda all the time instead of me."

"Yeah, and if it wasn't for that unfortunate archery accident…" Navi sighed.

"My finger slipped!" Link protested.

Navi shrugged. "I'm not angry."

The nearby town guards looked at Link suspiciously.

"_Soooo_…" Link chuckled nervously. "What about that other girl?"

"Link, you're going to have to be more specific," Navi said. "We've come across a _lot_ of girls on our adventures, and not all of them were annoyingly perfect in every aspect."

"The one that never shut up," Link said. "Babbera Mouthe."

"Augh!" Navi yelled. "Don't ever mention that name again! I absolutely _hated_ her!"

"Why?" Link asked.

Navi groaned, "Don't you remember all the annoying things she said?"

* * *

><p>Still not too long ago, in Kokiri Village…<p>

"…And Zelda is totally not the best girl for, like, Link! No way! She, like, totally deserves better than him! Like, he's only a sniveling little boy who grew up in a dirty old tree house! Like, if I was her, I'd totally be like '_eeeww_'!" Babbera Mouthe said.

"But—" Navi protested.

"Plus, Link totally deserves to be with, like, Malon! There's, like, no more perfect pairing on this Earth! They like, totally, have to be or I'd, like, kill myself!"

"I just—" Navi began.

"Link totally loves Malon, right? Like, totally! Why wouldn't he?" Babbera Mouthe paused. "Then again, I was, like, reading my BFF's fanfic, and Link and her Korgikin OC were, like, totally, the cutest pairing evah! And, after all, she is, like, my BFF, so I totally can't, like, get on her bad side or else she'd send her army of, like, flyin' ninjas beasts—"

"Can I get a word in, please?" Navi spoke up.

"No! You can't! I'm not finished yet! Interrupting is rude and childish!" Babbera snarled. "So, yeah, about my friend's fanfic. Oh my gosh, they were such a perfect couple! It started out like…"

Three hours later…

"…and that's when the magical glittery stuff, like, descended down from the heavens, and blew all the non-believers away. That is why Zelda and Link is inferior to Malon and Link, which is inferior to my friend's OC and Link! And my opinion is the word of the Goddesses," Babbera nodded.

"I agree with you for no reason!" Link flung his arms up in the air.

"Of course you do, Linky Poo Poo~" Babbera Mouthe smiled.

Link sat by Babbera's feet, and gazed up at her affectionately. She began stroking him like a dog. Link barked a couple of times for good measure.

Navi rolled her eyes, "You finished yet?"

"Yup," Babbera said. "And I just won the debate, thank you!"

Babbera walked away.

Navi's jaw dropped, "But I—!"

* * *

><p>"I never really did get to present my counter argument…" Navi groaned.<p>

"That's okay," Link chuckled. "She got pulverized by Orcs (who were hardcore Zelink fans) a few seconds afterward."

"I'm glad they did," Navi said. "Otherwise I would have done something violent myself."

"Like what happened to Bailey O' Hay?" Link asked.

"Yea—wait, what happened to Bailey again?" Navi asked.

* * *

><p>Again, in Kokiri Village…<p>

"Those Malon, Saria, and Ruto girls are so mean! I'm so glad I met these new friends who popped out of a hole in the ground three seconds ago," Bailey O' Hay huffed.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

Link turned to see three girls standing by a convenient hole in the ground. The girls looked completely identical except for the fact that they were slightly different colouration. The girls waved in perfect unison.

"Wait, who are they?" Navi blinked.

"We are Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_01, Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_02, and Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_03," Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_02 explained.

"We are just like Malon, Saria, and Ruto, only we're portrayed in a positive light since we have been valley-girl-i-fied," Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_01 nodded.

Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_01, Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_02, and Super. Cool. Spazzy/Friend_03 began laughing like robots.

"Are you sure Bailey's writer is not just using that as an excuse to sneak her real life friends into a work of fanfiction, and hoping that the audience won't notice?" Navi asked.

"Erm, uhhh…" Bailey blushed. "No?"

* * *

><p>"Yeah," Link chuckled, "I still can't believe the audience actually came crashing through the fourth wall and beat Bailey O' Hay up for assuming they were idiots."<p>

Link stopped to drool.

"That was an epic fight," Link giggled.

"The whole thing with that girl reminds me of a quote," Navi sighed. "How did it go again? Ah, yes: 'Never underestimate your audience. They are generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment'."

"Isn't that a Stargate Quote?" Link asked.

"Oh, Din," Navi gulped. "That's it. We've been hanging around with too many of those dang Fourth Wall breaking girls! We're doing crossovers without realizing it."

Link shuddered. "Ugh! It's almost as bad as that one time where there were a whole bunch of people we didn't know that kept popping up at random times!"

"Wait, what?" Navi blinked.

* * *

><p>In Kokiri Village again…<p>

"Hi there!" Amber Dextrous, our Mary-sue for this flashback, exclaimed. "I'm a Shinigami, S-Ranked Ninja, Singer of the Glee Choir, and the Hero of Time's Love Interest all at the same time! I have enough superpowers to electrically generate an entire city all by myself, but instead of using my powers for charitable purposes, I'm going to use it to fight evil with my favourite anime, manga, TV show, and videogame characters! Tee hee hee!"

Navi blinked, "That's nice? I don't care?"

"Who are you again?" Ichigo asked.

* * *

><p>"Good thing she was no match for the combined powers of Aizen, Orochimaru, Sue Sylvester, and Ganondorf," Navi said. "Otherwise there'd still be some of those singers hanging around."<p>

"Yeah, I still have no idea what was going on at that time," Link scratched his head.

"I doubt the other people we saw did either," Navi sighed.

"Yeah," Link nodded. "Amber Dextrous was just confusing."

"Oh, Farore," Navi groaned. "You just reminded me of that girl who just confusing to look at. Topaz Seasalt, was it?"

"Oh Din!" Link gasped. "Don't remind me!"

* * *

><p>In the Kokiri Village, just like all the others…<p>

"Hi! My name is Topaz Seasalt!" Topaz Seasalt exclaimed.

Link and Navi stopped whatever unimportant thing they were doing at the time to look behind them. There stood a beautiful, young girl. Her hair was completely made up of tentacles that were an astonishing red colour. Her skin was tanned and she was adorned with several jewels. Instead of arms, she had a long pair of tentacles, studded with orange suction cups. Despite all of these repulsive features, the narrator tried to convince the audience that she was drop dead gorgeous.

"Neat! What race are you?" Link smiled.

"Link, when has that _ever _been an acceptable question to ask someone?" Navi asked.

"No, that's okay!" Topaz grinned. "I don't mind for some reason! I'm Ganondorf's rebellious and (self) righteous daughter! I'm also half octopus!"

"Neat!" Link grinned.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Navi paused. "So, you're telling me that Ganondorf, King of Evil, a man with women at his beck and call…chose to sleep with an octopus?"

"Of course!" Topaz grinned.

"Farore!" Link squirmed. "The mental images!"

"Oh my…" Navi turned pink. "I…never knew…he was into…that kind…of…thing…"

Ganondorf poked his head out from behind a bush.

"Oh, be quiet, insolent fool," Ganondorf growled. "Everything looks appealing when you've drunk enough lactose!"

"Augh!" Link yelped. "Why hasn't Brain Bleach been invented yet?"

"Allow me to introduce you to my friend!" the half Octopus girl smiled. "Meet Evergreen Crystal! She's half Minish and half Biggoron!"

A strange girl appeared next to Topaz Seasalt. The way the narrator described this half Minish, half Biggoron girl made her sound very beautiful and flattering, when in all actuality, she was ugly as sin.

"Pleased to meet you!" the half Goron girl smiled. "I'm Vaati's daughter! But don't worry. I don't have enough depth to be evil."

"Neat—wait… Aren't Minish, like, the size of my thumb?" Link asked.

Link stared at his thumb with a confused look.

Navi's mouth hung open, "Vaati! What were you _THINKING?_"

Vaati poked his head out from behind a tree.

"Oh, shut up! She was very beautiful at the time!" Vaati snarled.

Navi sighed. "Let me guess. You were drunk too?"

"Nope," Vaati nodded.

"AHH!" Link screamed. "Apply Brain Bleach! Someone apply the Brain Bleach!"

"That's not all!" Topaz said. "It's about time you met my other friend, Amy Biguous! She's half Sheikah, half Zora, half dog, half Sponge Bob, half cat, half Squidward, half banana, half Mario, half mermaid, half Deku, half bikini, half alien, half Goron, half pizza, half an hour, half Hylian, half Kermit the Frog, half Cookie Monster, half innertube, half Jedi, half Pikachu, half flower, half Mary-Sue, half stick man, half peanut butter, half ogre, half orc, half Legolas, half Saiyan, half Octorock, half Chu Chu, half penguin, half swan, half ballerina princess, half dragonfly, half Card Captor, half easy chair, half elephant, half porcupine, half Matrix, half Easter Bunny, half Gingerbread Man, and half Smurf!"

"WHAT THE *$&# HAPPENED THERE?" Navi bellowed.

* * *

><p>"Isn't that when a team of Scientists came crashing through the shattered Fourth Wall and kidnapped all three of the girls to study and dissect them?" Link asked.<p>

"Yes," Navi said. "And thank Din they did. Otherwise my brain would have exploded from the lack of logic."

There was a pause.

"You know, even if she was just doing the math incorrectly and she was actually…um…" Navi paused.

"1/44," Link piped up.

"Right," Navi said. "So, even if she were 1/44 of each of those things, then that still would be confusing. It would mean that a Sheikah Zora child slept with a Sponge Dog child, and their child slept with the child of both a Squidward Banana and a Mario mermaid."

"Oh man," Link groaned. "The mental images…"

"And whenever parents from two different species have a child, that kid is always infertile," Navi added. "So, all the way around, it doesn't make sense."

"I'm sure glad we've gotten rid of them, though," Link sighed. "And I don't just mean those last three. I mean all the other girls too. They were all so annoyingly perfect, and it just got on my—"

"Wait…" Navi paused. "Weren't they all the same girl?"

Link stopped to think about this for a second.

Link shrugged. "I dunno. They could have been. They all seemed pretty much identical to me, anyway."

"Well, at least we're no longer in Kokiri Village," Navi said. "Hopefully they won't be able to find us in Castle Town."

"Yeah," Link sighed. "Even Ganondorf's gone into hiding here."

"What?" Navi blinked. "Link, how can you be so sure of that?"

Link pointed to a man sitting at a table at a nearby café. He had tanned skin, with flaming red hair, however he was wearing a huge trench coat and a large pair of sunglasses. As soon as he saw Link's pointing finger, he reached for a copy of the Hylian Times on the table and held up the pages to hide his face.

"Oh wow," Navi blinked. "Why has _he_ gone into hiding? Isn't he, like, King of the Desert Thieves? Why would he try to hide?"

Link rolled his eyes, "Navi, I doubt I'm the only one who has trouble with those pesky perfect girls. Heck, Topaz claimed to be his daughter, and I bet that octopus was strangely perfect too. Why _wouldn't _he try to hide?"

"Good point," Navi sighed. "I guess nobody is safe from these girls. From protagonists to antagonists, from major character to minor characters. We're all doomed."

"Say, Navi?" Link asked. "Something just occurred to me…"

"Yeah, Link?"

"Whatever happened to the Fourth Piece of the Triforce?"

"What are you, stupid or something?" Navi huffed. "There never was a Fourth Piece to the Triforce! And if there was, we'd never be able to tell that the Triforce was four triangles. It would just look like one big triangle. And then it would be called the Quadforce or just the Force. And the last thing we need is another crossover."

"That's not the way I remembered it, though," Link scratched his head. "There definitely was a fourth piece."

"Alright, then, wise guy," Navi huffed, "how do _you _remember it?"

* * *

><p>Near Kakariko Village…<p>

"Tra la la la la," Link hummed. "My! What a wonderful day to be hanging out in a graveyard!"

"Seriously, Link," Navi looked at one of the graves, "what _are_ we doing here?"

"Now, I'm just going to warp to the Temple of Time for some reason, and make this entire scene counterproductive!" Link pulled out his ocarina.

"Bwahaha!" a grave nearby cackled.

A Gerudo woman popped up from behind the grave, revealing that she had been watching them to whole time! Narrators should never use exclamation marks because it makes the narrator look stupid!

"Egads!" Link exclaimed.

"Umm…" Navi blinked.

"And now, to destroy you—Oh, whoops, I almost forgot," the Gerudo paused.

The lady pointed to her shoulder and snapped her fingers. As soon as she did so, a Cucco appeared on her arm.

"There we go!" she smiled.

"Okay, what purpose does that Cucco serve?" Navi asked.

"Who knows?" the lady shrugged. "Keeping in check with Cherry-sama's head canon?"

"Cherry-sama's head canon is all over the place," Navi said. "So that's not a viable excuse."

"Er, uhh…" the lady bit her lip. "LOOK! I'm Ariel, and I'm _speshaal_!"

The lady held up her hand and showed the Triforce symbol on the back of her hand. Redundant sentence is redundant. The hand began to glow. Link squinted. All three of the triangles were dimmed down.

"Why is the Triforce on the back of your hand if you don't have a piece?" Link blinked.

"Oh, I have a Triforce alright," Ariel gave a sly grin. "It's just invisible. See? It fits right into the middle here…"

Navi raised both eyebrows, "_Invisible?_ Are you seriously giving me that crap?"

Ariel's eyes darted around suspiciously.

"Err…uh… LA. LA. LA. LA. LA!" Ariel sang. "I'm special!"

Ariel began to dance around in circles. The writer forgot about the Cucco because of its lack of an actual role. But if she had remembered it, it would be clutching to Ariel's arm for dear life.

* * *

><p>"Oh yeah," Navi paused. "Completely forgot about her. Maybe it's because she was the only one who we didn't meet in Kokiri Village."<p>

"Quite possibly," Link added.

A Goron rolled through the town plaza. It wore red and white, but the colours were only a blur as she sped around. She screeched to a halt behind Link and Navi.

"Why do I get the feeling that in that last flashback, Cherry-sama took a blatant stab at herself?" Link asked.

"You're just imagining things," Navi said.

Ludia, the Goron girl, uncurled herself and stood up. She reached into the bag on her stomach, and pulled out a letter addressed to Link. She cleared her throat.

"Well, nevertheless," Link grinned, "we at least have the satisfaction of knowing that we'll never have to see one of those whiny girls ever again now that we're in—"

"Umm, Letter for Mr. Link," Ludia spoke up. "Are you Mr. Link?"

Navi and Link spun around on the spot. They stared at Ludia.

"…You've **got** to be kidding me," Navi groaned.

"Ahhh!" Link screamed. "And here the writer led us to believe that Castle Town was safe!"

Navi flew up to the Goron girl, and examined her head to toe. Ludia recoiled slightly in her nervousness.

"Ewww," Navi cringed. "The writer expects you to fall in love and/or make out with a Goron?"

Ludia's cheeks turned a bright red.

"Uh, um, er, erm," Ludia flustered. "Though that is very kind of you, sir, and while I find your personage to be a substantial level of attractiveness for your race, I-I-I don't r-really kn-know you v-very—"

"OH, FARORE!" Link bellowed. "Why? Why do you punish me so?"

Link walked up to the nearest wall and began banging his head against it.

"Now, calm down, Link," Navi said. "Like all the others she has one fatal flaw that the authoress will overlook. We must find this fault and use it against her to defeat her."

"Oh! Uh, no," she squirmed. "I-I'm not here to f-fight. I just have this letter for you…"

Ludia held out Link's letter expectantly. He eyed it over.

"Is it a love letter?" Link glared at Ludia.

"I…I wouldn't know," Ludia trembled. "B-by Ro-Royal D-Decree, we're n-n-not allowed to read other p-p-people's m-mail…"

"We?" Link asked. "Oh goddesses, you've teamed up with the _others?_ You've all formed an army against me, haven't you?"

"Er, no. I'm a mail man…woman…Goron," Ludia stammered. "I work for the postal service."

"Postal service?" Navi raised an eyebrow. "Since when does Castle Town have a postal service?"

"A-actually, it's an e-experim-mental job the King began a c-c-couple m-months ago," Ludia smiled a little. "And as s-soon as I found out about the j-job, I really wanted to—"

"She's revealing her back story! This is the opportunity we've been waiting for to pick apart her character!" Navi gasped. "Quick! Link! Take notes!"

"I don't know how to writ—" Link began.

"Just do it anyway!" Navi snapped.

Link pulled a notepad from out of his hat, and put down his bag. He began scribbling down illegible notes with a sharpie. Navi peered closely at Ludia, who stared blankly back.

"Don't keep us waiting, my dear," Navi chuckled. "Do go on. I know you're _dying _to tell us all about you."

"N-n-n-n-no," Ludia gulped. "It's o-o-ok-okay. It's ir-ir-irrelevant anyways…"

"Ohhh, this one's sneaky, Link," Navi said. "We've got to be on our guard."

Link put away the notepad and sharpie. He picked up his bag again.

"Yeah," Link added. "I feel like the authoress has grown significantly better at writing since she wrote the others."

"Wh-what?" Ludia blinked.

Link stormed up to Ludia, snatched the letter out of her hand, and slinked back to a safe distance, glaring at her suspiciously the entire time. Her stomach growled loudly, and broke Link's concentration.

"Dude!" Link gaped. "I never knew someone's belly could make such loud noises!"

Ludia gulped, and clutched her stomach. "M-maybe I sh-should have e-eaten that rock…"

"Never mind that, Link," Navi sighed. "Go on the, open it up!"

"You know I can't read either—" Link began.

"Open it up anyway!" Navi demanded.

Link tore open the letter, and held it up to Navi to read. Link watched Ludia the whole time and uttered 'I've got my eye on you' at the Goron.

Navi paused. "Hmm… It's a letter from Malon, and she isn't showering this girl with unnecessary praises either…"

"Wow, this one _is _sneaky…" Link said.

"N-no, j-just n-nerv-vous," Ludia fidgeted with her hands.

"It seems Malon wants you to come to her birthday party this week," Navi added. "It says nothing about the Goron being invited either."

"Well, write out a letter for me, Navi," Link said. "Explain how we can't go because the freakishly perfect girls will get us as soon as we leave the town walls."

Ludia stared at Link blankly.

"I don't know, Link," Navi said. "I'm not sure if I'm _ready_ to trust Castle Town's Postal System yet. Considering they allow _her_ kind…"

"Um… An-anyways," Ludia cracked a smile, "I really m-must be off. I've got more letters to deliver, and if I don't meet my quota for today, then the officer will be—"

"'Job' this, 'job' that," Navi rolled her eyes. "Don't you ever talk about anything else?"

"Er…I…"

"Probably not," Link said. "After all, all the previous ones we've come across always talked about one thing: her name, his appearance, her ideals, her choice of friends, her superpowers, her origins… Now this one's going on and on about her job…"

"Link, I think you missed one," Navi added.

"No I didn't," Link replied.

"I-I'm sorry I…" Ludia trembled.

"No, you're not sorry," Navi huffed. "If you were sorry, you wouldn't even be in this fanfic."

"W-what a-are you talking a…abou…?" Ludia stuttered.

Navi flew up to Ludia's face.

"It's literary failures like you that make me hate living in Hyrule!" Navi let out. "You don't add anything to Link's adventures, and neither will any of your other friends to come!"

"And besides!" Link huffed. "Who's ever heard of a _Goron _Postal Worker? That's so stupid!"

"It…it is…?" Ludia paused.

"Well, think about it!" Link snapped. "Gorons are naturally fat mountain people who eat rocks. They are bulky, clumsy, and can barely see where they're going when the roll around. Heck, when I went up Death Mountain, I almost got mowed over a couple of times!"

"I do t-tr-try to be careful…" Ludia sniffled.

A large brown dog walked up to Ludia. It had a pink bow tied loosely around its neck.

"Fact is," Navi added, "asking a Goron to deliver mail is like asking a Zora to set up shop in the desert. Gorons are not built for the job. It just doesn't work."

"Yeah!" Link piped up. "So just give up and go home!"

Ludia hung her head low. A couple teardrops hit the cobblestones at her feet. The brown dog looked up at her and wagged its tail.

"I…I understand…" Ludia sniffled. "I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry for being so n-naïve."

Ludia took off the bag from around her stomach.

"I-I-I guess I'll j-just g-go and t-t-tu-turn th-this in…" Ludia sobbed. "After a-all…I wo-won't be needing it a-anym-more…"

"Exactly!" Link grinned.

"I-I'm s-sorry f-f-for wa-wasting y-your t-t-time," Ludia swallowed.

"Apology excepted," Navi nodded.

Ludia curled up, and rolled back in the general direction of the Castle. Link, Navi, and the brown dog watched the Goron as she went.

"Do you think that was a little harsh?" Link asked.

"Of course not," Navi said. "After all, she was one of those perfect girls, and if we didn't confront her head on, we never would have gotten rid of her."

"Ahh, good point," Link smiled.

As Link and Navi began to look for a place to stay again, another brown dog slinked into the scene. It's eyes darted around, on the prowl for more Sues to slay. The dog, or rather the Plott, stopped when it laid eyes on the other brown dog.

The second dog was female (as indicated by the stereotypical pink ribbon), and it was a Plott as well. She stood proud and tall, well nourished and taken care of. She was raised with tremendous thought and care put into her. She had no scars from previous abuse or neglect. Though she had not quite gone the way the audience had wanted her to go in this story, she was a lot stronger that the other dog and completely different from it. That was because authoress had learned that its best not recycle Plotts.

The male Plott laid eyes on the female one, circled her, and then sniffed her. His tail began to wag. It seemed that the first Plott had no idea that it was inferior to the second. The male Plott then trotted away, the female followed behind shortly after.

Link and Navi feared that Mary-Sues could find them in Castle Town too. So they left to go live in Termina. Unfortunately, the Sues found him there too.

Ludia resigned her role as postal worker and returned to Death Mountain. She died a week later from self inflicted starvation and depression.

Ganondorf evaded the Mary-sues for a good six months before the Octopus roped him into another one of those Fourth Piece of the Triforce fanfics. Turns out, the last piece was in the Octopus's tentacle, and they got married a week later.

Nobody came to Malon's birthday party. Malon got all the cheesecake to herself.

As for the two Plotts, they became mates and had many puppies together. Though all the Plott pups were absolutely adorable, all of them had their own perks and problems. But was only natural since no Plotts are perfect and no one should ever expect them to be.

**THE END.**

* * *

><p>AN: And there you have it. The end of the Lgend of Zelduhhh series. And if I start another fanfic in this series, then I give you permission to attack me with pitchforks. Also, the flashback with Ariel is a parody of a scene from a fanfic I started to write a long time ago called "The Fourth Piece of the Triforce". There's a link to what happened to the fic on my profile. Another outside reference is the "Hylian Times" newspaper Ganondorf picks up. It's based off an old fanfic called "The Hylian Times" by Triforce90. Check it out if you haven't.


	2. 10 Things to Avoid with LoZ Fanfics

Now let's give a basic rundown of **Ten Things to Avoid when writing a LoZ fanfic:**

1. Research thoroughly what a Mary-Sue is before creating a LoZ OC. Most people who write Mary-Sues have never heard of them before.

2. A good step to avoiding your LoZ OC from becoming a Mary-Sue is to not make your OC the main character, or the main character's love interest. Seriously, it's hard to get people to care about a heroine who isn't part of the original franchise.

3. Yes, Ocarina of Time, Twilight Princess, Minish Cap or whatever may have been your favourite Zelda game. It may even be your favourite game of all time. We get that, and can sympathize. But don't just write a retelling of said LoZ game with your own OC or twists to the original plot. (I know, I'm a hypocrite.) You can't write it better than the original writers, so don't waste time and effort into those clichéd retellings. I speak from experience.

4. Stick to real hair colours. If do you give your OC an unusual hair colour then people in a medieval setting would freak out upon seeing it (and promptly try to burn the character to death for being a witch), and they should in LoZ fanfic. This goes with out of place technology, knowledge, or anything else about your character's appearance.

5. Don't compare your OC's appearance to any modern pop star, movie star, or current figurehead, even if you may imagine your OC to look exactly like said star. In ten years, nobody will have any idea who the pop idol is, and therefore, nobody will know what your OC looks like.

6. Don't give your OC a longer than normal name, or an exotic/unusual one. Minimum of one word, maximum of three. If his/her name means "Twilight Mist" in Latin, then nobody's going to care. Most of your readers will be too lazy to look up its definition, so save yourself the trouble and give your character a normal name. Give your characters names that you would give to (normal) children.

7. Don't use fanfiction as a means to rant about your social, economical, political views, or any of your other personal opinions. That's what forums are for; not fanfiction. Rants are usually irrelevant in the story and only set you up for getting flamed. The only way to avoid getting flamed and still have your rant is to write another character giving one heck of a counter argument. Make the debate fair.

8. Don't give your character a huge ton of super powers that could go to a better use than fighting evil. It's just impractical.

9. A mule is half donkey and half horse. All mules are infertile. So unless you are going to play on your character's infertility as a means of giving them depth, don't make half-breed characters. If you are, then make the parents of similar size and structure.

10. The Fourth Piece of the Triforce is an overused plot device. Think of something else to use.

And I leave you with one, overall quote:

"Never underestimate your audience. They are generally sensitive, intelligent people who respond positively to quality entertainment." – Stargate SG-1, Episode 200


End file.
